Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
