My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
