I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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