Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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