the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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