After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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