Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
