I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
