I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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