why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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