he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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