Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want her autograph on my taint
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
