im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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