I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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