im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
