upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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