Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
