my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
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