Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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