I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
