Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
