genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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