i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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