thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
