I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
