Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
