So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
