it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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