dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize