How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
