Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
