i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
