also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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