i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize