May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
