I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
