Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had sex on a roof
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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