hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
