You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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