Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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