New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
