I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
