I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's get the cat blown out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
