my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
