If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize