I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
