3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
