I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
