It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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