I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
