Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
