First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
