I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
