I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
