This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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