I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
