That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
