i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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