Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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