my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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