At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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