I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
