PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
