pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
