I have demons in me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize