worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
