I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
