If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do herpes really smell.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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